She met a boy, it didn’t matter his name
She examined his every move and being
Completely befuddled.

The boy loved her, oh he did
But Extremeila, being quite perculiar,
Was too easy to break.

The boy told her he loved her so
He would dig his eyes out should his eyes ever
Lusted for another

The boy told her he loved her so
He was willing to forsake his arms if they ever
Showed care towards another

The boy told her he loved her so much
He was going to pluck his heart out to prove that
He loves and loved no other

Extremeila, spoilt and perculiar, Meila
Thought she found her perfect boy
Without eyes, arms or a heart.
Perfection, Meila learnt, was to be broken.

Priss 14122011

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I wonder if this poem is too morbid…

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I have found in recent months, that increasing number of people make an effort to hide their personal life from their work life online. I can see why that many people will do that… I don’t really want my colleagues to know when I quarrel with my friends, who are the people I hang out with after work, and all the dirty little secrets that we post on facebook and twitter.

Let me give you an example. My sister started work recently and found out that some of her new colleagues have been gossiping about her on twitter – just for the fun of it. Making fun of your new colleague on social networking might seem fun at the time, but I wonder if they ever considered what if the person sees it. In this case, my sister was kaypoh (nosy) and found their facebook and twitter accounts and was quite upset by what she saw.

Personally I don’t like gossiping online about people I know, but I know many people that does that. They think posting their feelings online is their perogative and never considered the consequences that comes with it. I guess just to be on the safe side, I would recommend most people to self-censor your online prescence.

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Have you ever laughed at someone in their face because they were too… fat, thin, ugly, stupid, gay, [anything negative] ?

Have you ever picked on someone just because they are different from you?

Have you ever excluded someone because you just didn’t like them?

What I’m trying to get at… All, if not most, of us have been guilty of doing the above. It is our accidental BULLYING and their lack of self-esteem that children as young as 8 year olds are becoming anorexic.

People are naturally competitive by nature, and many of us like to shove what we think we’re better at into others faces.

I’ve never been obese in my life, but I’ve always been the “plump girl” around. I’ve been a victim of bullying since I was in primary school. The teasing doesn’t ever stop, not even now.

I have tried to be bulimic and puke out my food – this is the stupidest thing ever. I gave up the puking after a couple of days.

After a while, I figured out that the problem was not ME – it was THEM “the bullies”. I was never unhealthily fat or obese, I’ve always been active at dance and sports. Hell, I was probably more fit than many of those skinny girls in school. I realized then, the problem wasn’t me. They were bullies and it didn’t matter if I lost some weight, they would just find something else to poke fun and laugh at your expense. You’re too dumb, you’re too skinny, you’re too ugly, you’re too poor, you’re too not cool, you’re too whatever.

I’m sure I’m not totally innocent in the matter, I probably have said some unkind words to others before as well. However, I think the cure to Anorexia, bullying, and all that bad stuff is just to have confidence in yourself!

Having confidence instilled at a young age means you’re resilient towards negative comments and feedbacks being thrown your way. The lack of self confidence may be one reason why there is a rise in young children committing suicide due to the pressure they receive from family, school, friends and the society. Being a confident person is different from being arrogant. I’m not over my head to think that I look like a super model or can be smarter than Einstein. But with the confidence I have built up over the years, I think I’m pretty happy with myself. I’m happy that I’m slightly plump, I’ve got a birthmark on my face that looks like a bruise, I’m not always the smartest but I’m definitely smarter than many people. I’m comfortable with all my positive and negative points. I’m me! I don’t have to be Jessica Alba or Einstein to be happy. The route to happiness is not becoming somebody else, but being happy with yourself. Know where you can make improvements and work on it. Set manageable goals that you can achieve rather than unrealistic ones that makes you look stupid. That is what anorexic is about. Anorexia is not fat people trying to go on diet – anorexia is anyone with a warped image of their bodies and go on life threatening diets. It doesn’t even matter if they are underweight, they will starve themselves to look like skeletons just because they feel fat. They are insecure of their own bodies.

I was conducting a group counselling session with my youths the other day and we did an exercise. I think everyone should try it.

1. List 1 thing about yourself that you don’t like.

2. Try to come up with something positive to say about the thing that you don’t like.

Example

1. I am very talkative

2. I am verbally expressive

SEE HOW EASY IT IS!!!

Now do that for every negative thing you have to say about yourself. Then continue doing this for the people that you care around you.

Another Example

1. My mother is very naggy

2. My mother is very concerned and caring towards me

SIMPLE? (Btw Mom if you are reading this, this is only an example!!!)

Ok, now take this tool and go make yourselves happy. Learn to love yourself and be comfortable under your own skin! Good luck! If we have more positive thinkers among us, maybe we won’t see 8 year olds becoming anorexic.

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I’ve been doing some workshops with a bunch of troubled youths. This week, I intend to do some music appreciation. I’ve not done anything like this before so I feel a little scared. I’ve compiled a list of songs that are related to mental illness and struggles in life. I hope at the end of the workshop, they are able to come up with their own list of “power songs” – songs that will cheer you up and lift your mood. Everyone should have a playlist of those songs and whip them out whenever you’re feeling down.

So here are some more depressing, philosophical, painful songs. Don’t listen to them too often cause it can make you sad.

Radiohead – Creep

Family Portrait – Pink

Everybody Hurts Sometime – R.E.M.

Mad World – Gary Jules

Unwell – Matchbox 20

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Now fast forward 10+ years…. I’m a post-graduate student, in my final semester of hectic work load, and I’ve been ill since Sunday (past 5 days).

This feeling is really shit.

I went to the GP twice since Sunday, and medicine costs close to $200!!! Since when did the prices of medication went up by so much?! My antibiotics alone costs $50++

I’ve got feverish symptoms – the usual muscle ache, headache, feeling lethargic, hot and cold sweats, and my mind can’t focus much. That means, I’m not able to do ANY work this whole week!

As a post-grad student, you don’t really need to show your lecturers the MC paper, it doesn’t really matter to them. If you missed a lesson, you have to source out the information on your own or from your helpful classmates. Being sick for 1 week just means that your classmates have 1 more week than you to prepare for their practicuum, thesis and assignments. Oh man, I don’t care how much the medication costs, I just want to recover NOW.

These are the dreaded 9 pills I have to take at least twice a day. I didn’t know I can swallow so many pills at 1 shot, but I’ve been swallowing the bunch of them at 1 go. I’ve lost my appetite and I can’t feel hunger or full. I just eat instant noodle or porridge most of the days.

I HATE FALLING SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate being an adult

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However, I read a few citations that disputes this claim:

These details were narrated by Mdm Hwang to senior consultant psychiatrist Francis Ngui on Jan 15, 2009 when she was ordered by the court to take a psychiatric assessment.

Taking the stand on Wednesday, Dr Ngui told the court that Mdm Hwang, who has been suffering from dementia since 2000, was an “emotionally feisty elderly lady with a witty personality”.

She told Dr Ngui that she was very annoyed that OCBC had locked up her money unreasonably. Mdm Hwang said she wanted to use the money to travel and buy property. She also wanted Ms Hsu to look after her money if her memory worsened.

He added that “the presence of dementia is not synonymous with being mentally incompetent to make financial decisions” and it must be severe enough to affect her judgement for her to be deemed incompetent.

Taken from: http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/1035225/1/.html

And…

A clinical psychologist who assessed Mdm Hwang in March 2008 also took the stand. Dr Zena Kang said that although Mdm Hwang had a deficit in short-term memory, she was “alert, lucid and responsive to all questions” and “did not appear to have cognitive disturbances”.

Taken from: http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/1034950/1/.html

If the court’s decision is solely based on Madam Hwang’s mental capacity at the time of the bank incident, then I don’t see how the testimony of 2 psychologists aren’t good enough. The only clear problem she had with alzheimer was her short term memory. Her cognition, based on the reports, seemed to be intact and lucid.

I’m really really curious on what grounds did the courts side OCBC on the matter. Perhaps there are other underlying reasons, such as Madam Hwang’s will. But if it’s ruled based ONLY at her mental capacity, then I feel that the Singapore justice system is really insulting folks with alzheimer and dementia! They may be old, their brains might not be functioning as before, their short-term memory may be affected – it doesn’t mean that they are incapable of making decisions! Why bother having psychologists and psychiatrists around if the court has the final say to who is “sane enough”? I’m sure judges have more credentials than psychologists to determine a person’s mental capacity? Again, I stress that I’m making such statements IF the courts ruled in favour of OCBC based SOLELY because Madam Hwang had Alzheimer. She has Alzheimer and Dementia, she’s not useless until she can’t handle her own money! Perhaps she was impulsive, and wanted to make her daughter happy before she passed away, but that’s EVERY PERSON’s RIGHTS! She’s not CRAZY or PSYCHOTIC or STUPID.

More to read here: http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_593224.html

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The working culture in Asia is one that encourages people to act like drones – just act, don’t question. The more opinionated and vocal people tend to find themselves getting depressed in their job, or have to find a job in the creative sector (which is really small in Asia). You have to understand that in Singapore, one’s work is graded since they start schooling, even for art! These unqualified teachers actually gets to grade your drawing, not knowing that one might be a Picasso in the making! Companies run on a hierarchy, whereby the people who are most able to execute commands and please the one sitting above you gets promoted. Not that I am proposing companies to run any differently, but this is particularly so for Asian countries like Singapore, where it has been instilled upon us since young not to challenge someone that is above you i.e. your teachers. I call the working life in Singapore, a constriction of the mind. Even if you are absolutely loving your 9 to 5 job and you’re not made to work like a drone (let’s say you’re the boss aka drone operator), by the time you get home, your body and your mind is so tired that you can’t think about anything else.

After work, many of us still have to go home and look after our families. For the women, some still have to cook and do household chores AFTER their 9 to 5 job while the men watches TV and rests. That’s Asia. Others have to look after their children, help them with their homework or read story books. There’s basically very little time for people to stop and think.

This is in no way their fault, that they are made to be drones. That’s how the society works. That’s how life is.

But what else could the time be spent on?

Expanding your knowledge of anything and everything. Learning shouldn’t stop where you graduate from school. There is so much to learn and know from this life… Not knowing about this life, is like playing an RPG game without reading the story-line, sort of. We are made to lose our child-like curious, innocent, creative minds so that we will all become standard issue robots some day. Without that curiousity, that creativity, how do we further explore ourselves and the world we live in? How do we feel fulfilled?

Think and digest why things are the way the are. Why people behave the way they are. Don’t just blindly follow and accept things as it is. Why should we? Do we really want to be drones?

I guess all my points, points to Maslow’s hierarchy’s self-actualization. Being self-actualized is being someone that doesn’t just live a bitter and unsatisfying life and don’t do anything about it. Many of us can’t do anything about it, because of bread and butter issues, I blame the social construct and unhealthy expectations of the Asian workforce.

I know I’ve got a “talent” for making people misunderstand my core concept of my argument, so if you do feel strongly against what I said in this post, you could leave a comment and I would clarify myself.

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Michelle is one of my best friend’s sister. I’ve known my best friend and her family since secondary school. I watched Michelle growing up. She’s a few years younger than us. A very quiet girl. I didn’t really get the chance to talk to her much because she seemed quite shy then. Sometimes, I thought she looked quite “dao“, and I get the very cool vibe from her.

When my friend first told me about Michelle, I was so shocked I didn’t know how to react. How would anyone react to the news of an 18 year old girl getting advanced stage cancer? How should anyone react? The doctors told her family that it was a very rare type of cancer and they could not determine the origins of the cancer. Not able to determine the origins of the cancer apparently meant they don’t know how to treat it either. If you get nose cancer, you chemo the nose. If you get XYZ cancer, you can’t chemo the whole body and they could only trial and error with medication. They sent samples of her cancerous tumour to USA, and the results still came back undetermined.

The doctor gave her about half a year more to live, but it has been almost 2 years now. I guess I did get to know Michelle slightly better now as compared to 2 years ago. I went out with her family for meals and shopping. We played mahjong a couple of times too last year. I never did talk to her as a friend, because I really don’t know what to say to her. I just tried to be my usual self and make lame jokes that made them laugh. I tried to be positive around them because I know that they are all suffering inside. The last I saw her was a few weeks ago. She was very frail and she was looking very ill. We bought her some food from China town to eat because she refused to eat the hospital food.

I have told my supervisor, as well as, a few friends… It’s times like this, that makes me feel.. what’s the use of studying psychology when you don’t know how and can’t help the people that are closest to you? My supervisor told me it’s the same as doctors cannot operate on people close to them. I read and I practice, still, when I’m facing Michelle and her family, I am silent.

.

.

.

She’s only 20 years old and she haven’t experienced so many other things life has to offer. She’s only 20 years old and there should be so much more awaiting her than death, shouldn’t there be?

In the end, we all have expiry dates and Michelle’s one is up. It’s unfair. Life’s unfair.

I’m writing this blog post mainly to help myself remember this period of my life, and remember the times I spent with Michelle and her family. It’s all these happiness and sadness that makes life so rich, and so precious. Which is why I really hate people saying phrases like “life is stupid” or “I wish I was dead”. If you want to die, there should be a donation centre where you can donate your life and give some to people like Michelle.

Goodbye Michelle. We miss you.

29th June 2010

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Regular PAP smear test for girls above 18 years old is very important as it can detect virus or cancer in your vaginal area. Don’t stop reading this post if you are a male reader, it is just as important for you to know about such things so that you can advice your partner for regular PAP smear check!

When the vaccine came out for cervical cancer, my mother was the first few to know about it and recommended (bugged) me to go for it. That was almost 3 years ago and it was very costly for the vaccination jab, it was almost $800 for 3 injections and my mother paid for most of the cost. Luckily, now that the vaccination is so common in Singapore, it only costs $300 to $500 for the full course of injections. Although the vaccination is quite costly, it can save your life! It is definitely not too costly for to prevent yourself against cancer.

Cervical cancer is the 6th most common cancer among women in Singapore, and 1 woman dies every 5 days from cervical cancer. This is the ONLY preventable cancer. It is estimated that 80% of women will come in contact with the virus and it isn’t a virus that can be fully protected by condoms. The moment you become sexually active, you are at risk getting the virus regardless of your lifestyle. HPV is so common (estimated 80% of the population will have it at some point), you do not need to have a lot of sexual partner’s to come into contact with the virus.

This is one of the most meaningful advertorial I have written because I get to spread the word of something that means so much to me and many other women. Even if you are vaccinated for cervical cancer, all women should do their regular PAP smear tests for check just to make sure everything down there is fine. You can do the PAP smear tests at many GP and neighborhood clinics nowadays and it’s really affordable (about $20+). If you are on budget, you can get your PAP smear done at a polyclinic for $15 (subsidized for Singaporeans). Vaccination and regular pap smears are your 100% protection against Cervical Cancer. If you visit www.pocc.sg, you will find a list of doctors that provide the vaccine.

Please share this message with your close friends, relatives and everyone around you, like I have shared with you. What would really be awesome is if Singapore government would provide free or subsidized vaccination for our teenagers just like Australia, Malaysia, Japan and many other countries.
Click here to pledge your promise to protect the women you care about.

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I even had my own caricature done!

POCC stands for Power Over Cervical Cancer and this organisation aims to educate women in Singapore about cervical cancer and how it is the only preventable cancer. A vaccination injection course only costs about SG$400, although it might sound costly at first, but this injection can actually save you from cervical cancer!

I had a close shave with cervical cancer when I was only 20 years old. I have been doing PAP smear tests regularly (once every two years) and there was once the test came out inconclusive. The gynecologist suspected that I might have the human papillomavirus (HPV) and advised me to do another PAP smear three months later. I was so relieved to find that the second test came out negative.

I have since gotten vaccinated. It never occurred for me to blog about this before, nor did I share my experience with any of my close friends. Since the POCC has begun to reach out to young women in Singapore to get themselves vaccinated, I think I should do my part to spread the word, to my close friends as well as my readers.

You can do your part to spread the word too! Even though there isn’t a cure for cancer yet, there is at least 1 cancer that can be preventable.
Power Over Cervical Cancer is a campaign that aims to make Singapore the country with the lowest incidence of Cervical Cancer and they need your help to spread the word. Pledge your support for this cause and protect those you care about by telling them about Cervical Cancer. Together, we have POWER Over Cervical Cancer. Click the button below to begin!

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